Sunday, October 24, 2010


there are a few things i'm obsessed about - lists, laundry, and that one boy - engku akmal izzat. i am tremendously, whole-heartedly obsessed with him. anything and everything he does bring tears to my eyes, swells my heart with pride and makes me smile like a goofball.

i am obsessed with him, to a point where it irritates hubby who would rolls his eyes, to a point where i would just look at him sleeping in his cot, to a point where i would hold his hand while we're both sleeping.

it doesnt mean i have a favourite out of the four. they are all different yet the same. ariff's the learner (at the moment), asyraf's the brilliant one, amir's the big one who's slowly understands and taking on the abang long responsibilities. akmal's just the baby, the one who follows everyone around, the one everyone adore and would just stop to hug and kiss, the one everyone would fight over.

one reason why i'm so into akmal now is because i was not into the pregnancy when i was carrying him. dont get me wrong, it wasnt going to lead to hating the baby or hurting the baby even, but i was just not into the pregnancy. i was not prepared to be pregnant, i was not prepared to welcome a fourth baby when my eldest was just 3 years old. my heart and my mind wasnt keeping up with my body and i was feeling down quite often. it got so bad at times that i willed the baby to just come out and started getting contractions as early as my 24th week. i even willed myself to deliver at the 36th week as i just could not carry on being pregnant.

delivering akmal was also very emotional. i was faced with the possibility of another 'dongak' baby like asyraf, i bled a lot, i had effects from the epidural, akmal's umblilical cord was wrapped around him. it wasnt a difficult delivery but i was too overwhelmed by the whole 9 months and the delivery and the thought of another baby to look after that i felt that it was all so difficult.

then when i was at home during confinement, i realised what an angel i had. akmal was so small and so easy (apart from the dribbling problem he had) and was so on schedule and just so 'a baby'. akmal was and still is a sensitive baby. he would get the sniffles and cough and flu and the ultimate fever (he can shoot up to 40c in a heartbeat) but he was never difficult. he can get diaper rash and bumps and reddish spots but he was never difficult. he would be in and out of the hospital (he has been admitted 9 times (or was it 10) so far) but he was never difficult. taking care of him is easy. he would drink and sleep, sleep and drink.

its such a turnaround, the difficult pregnancy to this easy baby and that makes me feel attached to him. he doesnt need cuddling, but i would cuddle him. he doesnt need to be rocked to sleep, but i would rock him to sleep. he's very independent and i guess i cant let go. akmal's able to nap on his own, just put him in his cot, give him a towel, switch on a thomas dvd and close the door. a peep into the room after 10 minutes will see him fast asleep. he doesnt even need a bottle before dozing off. if he wakes up and i desperately need to rest, he can continue sitting in his cot watching thomas for another hour. akmal can sleep on his own, play on his own, he's just so easy and i'm just so proud of him.

sometimes i miss him so much even though he's right next to me, sometimes i wake him up from his sleep just to see him smile. i've given him many, many names - amal, imal, malmal, mamal, mimal, maljat, ajat, ijat, jatjat, jijat, jajat and the infamous, adik baby.

i know, i am a mummy and four and i love, love, absolutely bloody love all my four boys (none more than the other). but this akmal izzat...there's just something about him...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

#amboi..... :)


the value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults - peter de vries

grown-ups never understand anything for themselves and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explainning things to them - antoine de saint-exupery
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