it happened a year and a half ago. a year and a half ago it happened at a safe place - at home. this time, it wasnt safe. hubby had his epileptic fit again. this time - while driving, while all 6 of us were in the car. it could have been 6 of us becoming none of us.
but it didnt, alhamdulillah. no one was injured, alhamdulillah. it happened near home and not on nkve - alhamdulillah. it happened when i was there and not hubby alone, alhamdulillah. i have lots of things to be thankful for. but i have lots of things in my mind. lots of things we have to think about. lots of things etched in our heads. i remember hubby screaming and looking up to the sky, his hands clenched. i remember the boys crying with fear in their eyes. i remember trying to stop hubby from biting his tongue, remember trying to stop the car, playing with the gear, pushing hubby's feet awat from the accelerator. i remember but i dont want to.
it happened in mere 30 seconds but the memory scares me to my very soul. amir remembers and he gets scared. ariff is scared of car rides. hubby was out for 10 full minutes. hubby cant remember a single thing. he only remember hearing a voice asking - do you want to stay or do you want to go back. he fought to go back.
i got the chills entering our home without hubby, without the boys, with only amir. i dont want it to be that way...not yet, we're not ready.
for now, we learn and we move on. its scary to think of what could have been, its frustrating to think of what if. its every single emotion screaming out from me but we need to be strong and move on. for now, we are car-less. i get weepy seeing pictures of our beloved car. we love that car. i wonder what it feels now. i'm sorry car...we'll get you back soon, insyaallah.
thank you, though, to those who helped and prayed for us and asked how we are. thanks to my 2 sisters, my dear daddy, the ER team (watie, andy, fidah, shareefa), to zu for just hearing me cry and cry and cry, to azrul for being syam's drip partner. thanks to all who called and sms-ed and commented on my status. i do appreciate all your smallest 'take care's to your biggest hugs.
Japan 2016 - Leaving Tokyo
4 months ago