Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Honest Lies

hubby and i have (finally) come to a stage where we can let go a little. over the past month, both hubby and i have had to leave the boys and go on an overnight work trips. we don't really want to, and we're very particular with the 'trips' that we go on (only if extremely necessary), but we now can.

the boys are becoming more independent and we've become more confident in managing them alone (note - confident doesn't mean we think its easy becasue its never easy). amir and asyraf can be left to entertain themselves with their gameboys, ariff has always been a loner but now he has akmal to pair up with, while akmal...well, he's no longer clingy and whiny and needs to be carried all the time. Alhamdulillah to that!

its easy because of the routine life we have. what happens when we pick up the boys, what happens when we get home, when we're about to sleep, when we get up the next day. its more or less the same everyday. when hubby's away, he knows what we're doing at home and when i'm away i know what they're doing at home. we discuss and agree on how to do things when the other is not around and that makes it much easier.

the one thing hubby and i differ is telling the boys. for me, i like to pre-empt them. a week before i'm about to be away, i will let them know. i'll tell them to be good, don't cry, don't disturb hubby with 'nak ni...nak tu' as he's alone. i'll tell them that they need to stay in school longer than usual to have dinner, to bathe. this is esp for amir and asyraf who hates being picked up when its dark outside. 'kerapa mummy lambat, kan ada lights dah' they would cry out. i feel that preparing them would make it easier. the boys would remember what i have told them and i would feel better knowing they are not angry.

hubby, on the other hand, prefers not to tell them. he doesn't want them to cry he says. well, if they want to cry, they will, won't they? that certainly doesn't stop them from bombarding me with 'mana daddy' and 'nak daddy' cries. then hubby would continue by telling them he'll be back late. sigh...not a good idea as they'll still cry out the next morning and having crying children in the morning is stressful to the max! one lie doesn't cover another. oh well, that's his preference.

is it right though, should we tell them little white lies so that they don't get upset? wont a lie lead to another, making little white lies huge black evil 'penipuan besar'?? i read an article recently to support hubby's theory "eight in 10 parents said they often told little white lies to their kids to protect them from the truth" but will that work for the boys in this situation? will they not just cry and cry and cry until they see their father again? i still believe preparing them for what's to come is better than protecting them from the bad news.

for those who are interested, the article can be found here -
A study of 3,000 parents found every day each mum or dad will tell at least one fib to get their offspring to comply with their wishes.
Among the classic white lies wheeled out in homes around the country are that Father Christmas only gives presents to good children, spinach gives you big muscles and sitting in front of the television for too long gives you square eyes.

Others include eating crusts puts hair on your chest and that the jingle of an ice cream van signifies that it has sold out of lollies and cornets.
The study also found that 66 per cent of parents were prepared to turn to a white lie if all else failed.
Kathryn Crawford, of The Baby Website, which commissioned the study, said: "The funny thing is that most of the little white lies we tell our own children are ones that our parents told us and chances are, they came from our grandparents too.
"So the fables get passed automatically from each generation to the next.
"We were somewhat surprised by the fact that one of the biggest white lies of all slipped through the net.
"That is the fact that every year, some drunk fat bloke in a red suit and false beard manages to get down a chimney or even a gas flue, complete with bicycles, wendy-houses and other large items, and completes a global distribution round, pulled by flying reindeer."
The most common lie - told by 84 per cent of parents - is that Father Christmas only gives presents to good little children.
Second was that Father Christmas only visits children who go to sleep nicely on Christmas Eve - used by eight in 10.
A further 60 per cent of adults have told their children that sitting too close to the television will make their eyes go square.
And forty eight per cent of parents have convinced their offspring that eating spinach will make them strong.
Another 39 per cent said they frequently told their children not to cross their eyes - as the wind will change and they'll stay like it.
A quarter of parents have told their little ones that their private parts will drop off if they play with them too much.
Whilst 20 per cent of kids have been warned that the police will arrest them if they swear.
Interestingly, the majority of parents polled agreed their children pretty much stopped believing everything they were told by their eighth birthday.
But the study found until that point, youngsters absorb everything mum and dad say, repeating it to teachers, friends and even family members.
Eight in 10 parents said they often told little white lies to their kids to protect them from the truth, whilst 46 per cent made lies up if they didn't know the real answer to a question.


Liasari said...

i agree with ur approach. i'd rather prepare them ahead for what's coming than let them guessing. lebih baik sit down and tell them all they need to know so that next time they'll know what to expect.
but i'm no perfect, i do tell them little white lies here and there esp when i'm in a hurry! ;-)

Liza said...

i would prepare my kids if i am scheduled to be away, similarly to my husband, i think that is more manageable and less stressful for the other half who are left behind :)

coconutt said...

i am a bad mom too....i would tell them in advance, and then like had to make a deal...Im going Dubai in less than a month's time, so i hv promised my girl, a toy.....

the longest i have left my kid was 2 weeks....even though i told her earlier on, it didnt solve anything. She still cried everynight, the wall still get crossed for every night i was away....but i guess, at least i didnt lie.

in this situation, put yourself in their shoes, i sure wouldnt like it if my parents were to do that to me those days...


the value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults - peter de vries

grown-ups never understand anything for themselves and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explainning things to them - antoine de saint-exupery
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